PSA: Cramming. This is NOT a Test.

I have decided to make a deviation from my typical post in order to give my version of a Public Service Announcement.  It was not my intention to include something that occured in a previous job here but, today’s events changed my mind.  Here’s my story.

In 2010 as I was launching Parent Coach Atlanta, I was also working part-time as an accounts payable representative (yes, you WILL use high school math later in life) for a local restaurant franchisee.  In an effort to consolidate all the restaurants’ phone bills (to make my job easier), I discovered over $1,400 of unauthorized charges in a 12 month period.

After spending hours fighting to get all of the money back (and I did), I wrote a letter of complaint to the FTC which was discovered by Senator Rockefeller (D, WVa) and was asked to testify before a congressional committee (in July, 2011) on the subject of cramming.  I testified, made the local and national news and I really thought my fifteen minutes as a consumer “Bull Dog*” were over.

I was wrong.

Today a producer for ABC World News called and asked to interview me on the subject of cramming as this practice has now been reported by credit card consumers.

I suspect this issue will not go away unless the laws change.  And, after being a part of the process (and growing up with School House Rock), I doubt Congress can/will pass laws that can keep up with the swindlers who cram our bills.

For your information, I’ve included the links below.

Here’s the LINK to the hearing, my testimony is around :53. *Listen to Sen. Rockefeller’s remarks after my testimony

Here’s the VIDEO of the ABC story.

Here’s the BLOG article link of the story.

Now go check your credit card and phone statements.

Now!

Feb 21, 2013 By consumer Leave a Comment

Too Thin or Too Worried?

growthchart_example1Dear Susan,

My son is 6 and I think he’s much too thin. He was a premie and I’ve been trying hard to get him “caught up” but he’s still not there. His doctor doesn’t seem concerned. It’s becoming exhausting trying to get him to eat “one more bite” and now I’m afraid I’ve created a power struggle where food is concerned. What can I do to get him to eat more and me to stress less?

Worried in East Lake

Dear Worried,

Food concerns top today’s parental worry list and parents of premature children are no exception. The trick is to relax in spite of your anxiety about his premature birth.

First, I recommend that you trust your son’s pediatrician (or, if your gut tells you, find one you do trust). Your son’s early arrival has likely caused a host of anxieties for you. It is very likely that you see mountains where there are only molehills.

To make my point, I’ll share a story that happened to me recently when I took my two girls for their annual visit. There was a poster on the wall showing children at a healthy weight and obese children. The obese children looked a little chubbier than what I assumed would be normal and the children of normal weight looked quite scrawny. The doctor pointed out that today’s child obesity epidemic is changing the way we think “healthy” looks in children. The “scrawny” children were actually the healthier ones!

My second recommendation is to focus on fostering healthy habits for your entire family including, perhaps, some anxiety management. Modeling healthy behavior can go a long way!

Good luck!

Susan

Feb 4, 2013 By Parenting Leave a Comment

Healthy Media Diet 2013

From Common Sense Media’s newsletter:

How to give your kids a healthy media diet
With so many new programs and technology coming out all the time — many of which are aimed at kids — it’s hard to tell what’s good, what’s age-appropriate, and what has the “nutritional value” to entertain — and hopefully educate — your kids.

But by keeping three simple rules in mind, you can help serve your kids a healthy media diet. Here’s how:

Use media together. Whenever you can, watch, play, and listen with your kids. Talk about the content. When you can’t be there, ask them about the media they’ve used. Help kids question and analyze media messages. Share your own values. Let them know how you feel about solving problems with violence, stereotyping people, selling products using sex or cartoon characters, or advertising to kids in schools or movie theaters. Help kids connect what they learn in the media to events and other activities in which they’re involved — like playing sports and creating art — in order to broaden their understanding of the world.

Be a role model. When kids are around, set an example by using media the way you want them to use it. Don’t bring your phone to the dinner table, and turn the television off when it’s not actively being watched. Record shows that may be inappropriate for your kids to watch — even the news — and watch them later, when kids aren’t around.

Keep an eye on the clock. Keep an eye on how long kids spend online, in front of the television, watching movies, playing video games. The secret to healthy media use is to establish time limits and stick to them — before your kids turn on and tune in.How to give your kids a healthy media diet
With so many new programs and technology coming out all the time — many of which are aimed at kids — it’s hard to tell what’s good, what’s age-appropriate, and what has the “nutritional value” to entertain — and hopefully educate — your kids.

I recommend using a timer.  Just a plain old kitchen time will do.  You can also give each child a “media pass.”  Each child has a certain number of passes worth 30 minutes of media (media is any screen time, including tv, computer, games, etc.).  On the back of the pass, the child notes what time they started using media.  You sign off on it.  They set a timer.  They give the pass back to you at the end of the 30 minutes and you do a quick check to make sure they’re within their time limit.  If they are over, even one minute, they lose the next pass.  Period.  No second chances!

You decide how many they get per day (per week with older children).  Once their passes are gone, they are offline for the remainder of the designated time period.  This is a great way to help children manage their screen time (and we could all use some help with that!).  NOTE:  don’t be tempted to give extra time for good behavior.  Kids need more outside time, NOT more screen time!

Jan 7, 2013 By Parenting Leave a Comment

Lock them up…

I checked my e-mail this morning and found THIS article on Mamapedia.com

If you don’t want to read the article, it’s about how a mom (and award-winning journalist) will never let her daughter (now 3) ride her bike alone.   Ever.

The statistics are clear. It is not “unsafe” to let children roam and play. As an educator I can tell you that children need freedom from the “watchful” eye of adults so they may explore their world. Children who are parented by “proud helicopter” parents as one commenter stated are NOT better off! These children tend to become dependent adults who aren’t risk-takers. There are many great articles written about this topic. I recommend reading the American Academy of Pediatrics for insight about the importance of independent play for children.

And then there is the pressure it puts on the mother. I mean, why is the mother’s fault if something awful happens to a child? I encourage parents to have a full, interesting life that INCLUDES children but not one that revolves around their children.

I encourage my clients to get involved in their neighborhoods and start walking on a regular basis in order to get “the lay of the land” and feel comfortable in their surroundings. If there’s a house you don’t like the look of, tell your children NOT to walk to school that way but a way you prefer. There is a lot we can do but we must actually DO!

Children need the experiences, scary or not, that come with childhood. We cannot protect our children from every little thing. Is it better to keep a child home to protect her from germs, keep her out of motorized vehicles to avoid all traffic accidents, stay away from friends and family to protect her from molestation (those who are most likely to abuse children KNOW the child), etc?

Please don’t lock your children up.  Open the door, let them roam and experience something that we in this country are so privileged to have:  Freedom!

Nov 27, 2012 By freedom, Parenting Leave a Comment

Papa Don’t Preach!

Dear Susan,

I’m generally a confident person but recently I’ve lost some confidence in my parenting.  My father, with whom I have a tenuous relationship, recently visited and critiqued my parenting.  My husband and I have a beautiful daughter, who is 3 years old.  She’s our only child.  We allow her to wear whatever she wants in the house.  If we are going out, my husband or I choose her clothes with no resistance from our daughter.  Bedtime is 8pm but we allow her to play or look at books in her room until she falls asleep.  But, if she comes out after we put her to bed, then it’s lights out.  Typically she DOES come out every night but only once.  She fusses when we put her back in her bed, and goes to sleep shortly thereafter.

My father complains that we’re lenient parents and that we are setting ourselves up for future problems.  He thinks we should “make her…” and that we allow our daughter have too much control.  I’m trying to let go of his judgement, especially since I really don’t have much of a relationship with him and, frankly, I don’t know when our daughter will ever see him again.  But his words are lingering and I can’t seem to put them out of my mind.

Are we setting our daughter up for trouble later by bad parenting?

Worried in Avondale-Estates

Dear Worried,

I’m sorry you have a tenuous relationship with your father.  I know you are not alone.  However, I think you are thinking too much about what someone else thinks of your parenting!  If you and your husband are happy with your family the way it is, then that’s the final word.  When you got married your parents became “extended family” and your primary family is currently your husband and daughter.  

And now to address the question about setting your daughter up for trouble later.  No.  I do not think so at all.  Based on what you’ve written, I’d say that you are setting appropriate limits and allowing appropriate freedoms for your daughter.  If you and your husband don’t mind your daughter’s habit of coming out of her room every night then don’t change a thing.   Of course, if you want her to stay in her room after the initial “good night” then write back and I have a great solution for that.  But the bottom line is that you seem to be okay with your routine and I don’t see any “trouble” ahead.

By the way, if your father ever mentions your parenting in a negative way again, I’d smile and say “Dad, that reminds me, thanks for being my dad and a granddad to our daughter.  I love you.”  There’s not much for him to complain about after that.  

Susan

Susan Eppley

Leadership Parenting Coach

susan@ParentCoachAtlanta.com

ParentCoachAtlanta.com

Nov 16, 2012 By Parenting Leave a Comment

Parents Palooza!

I’m very  happy to announce that I will be speaking at Parents Palooza this weekend, November 10-11.  Here’s the LINEUP of my workshops (six in total).  If you “like” PCA on Facebook, and “follow” us on Twitter, you can win tickets for attendance.

Lori and I will be at the booth handing out The Game Of Life Tickets so come on by and sign up for a 15 minute complimentary coaching session.

Good luck and I hope to see some of you this weekend!

Susan

Nov 9, 2012 By Parenting Leave a Comment

Distractible Teen

Do you have a highly distractible teen?

For my own family the answer is a resounding OMGoodness, YES! I was recently asked about a 17 year old boy who is spending too much of his homework time on YouTube, Facebook, and electronic games instead of using the computer for studying.  Our kids really do need the Web to do much of their work and I will tell you that I have neither the time nor desire to play computer cop!  So, the question is; how much should we manage them?

Parents should install reasonable tools to limit access that could distract kids.  There are lots of options to restrict sites, control time of day or amount of time access, etc. but a determined teenager can be exhausting to play cat and mouse with.  If he resolute in wasting mountains of time, there is ultimately nothing you can do about it except allow natural consequences.  Some kids will stay up late into the night to get work done that could have been finished much earlier.  Parents may become concerned that he will collapse under the weight and fall apart and it is quite possible that he will do just that. This is a good thing!  We should honor our teenagers’ choices (both good and bad) and let life discipline them.  If his grades drop, remind yourself that these are exactly the grades he has EARNED.  You also may be surprised at how much stamina he has or how quickly he recovers and self-corrects.  We forget that teenagers are like Energizer Bunnies.

To help myself really develop a deep conviction about this I picture in my mind my son’s future.  I imagine his wife and children, his boss or co-workers and sometimes even a police officer.  I think about how I’d explain to them why I rescued my son from his bad decisions as a teenager and dumped that burden on them.

Focusing on character rather than achievement (or lack thereof) is a long term vision to which we are obligated as responsible members of the community, which reminds me. “Community” college is an excellent training ground for kids who are slow to learn life lessons and/or need more time to mature…and the lower cost of tuition is certainly a bonus!

Lori Rader-Jacobs, Certified Leadership Parenting Coach

lori@ParentCoachAtlanta.com

Sep 28, 2012 By Consequences, Parenting, teen Leave a Comment

Teaching Children to Manage Emotions

Dear Susan,

Our 4-year-old is, and has always been, a highly emotional child; crying infant, screaming toddler and now she cries about EVERYTHING!!! We’ve tried every strategy we can think of to fix this problem but nothing seems to work. It is important to us that she feels free to express her feelings but we also want her to learn how to control her emotions.

How can we handle her behavior?  We have a baby in the house and it’s all getting to be just too much!

Hopeful in Atlanta

Dear Hopeful,

I have a great solution!

You’re right.  Feeling free to express emotions in an appropriate manner and at appropriate times is a good for children (and adults).  And, at 4 years old, it’s time for your child to how to manage her emotions.  Remember, emotions are neither good nor bad.  They just are emotions.

However, it is not appropriate to express any emotion at any time.  Imagine if adults didn’t have self-control in relation to our emotions.  I’d be sobbing in the grocery line because of a touching headline on a magazine cover, someone else would be stomping their feet and throwing things in the bank line because it’s taking too long, etc.  My illustrations may seem ridiculous but if your daughter doesn’t learn how to manage her emotions, my illustrations are possible (and you may even know an adult who acts like a toddler!).

On to the solution:  First, I’d try simply telling your daughter, upon an outburst, “Darling, this is not something to cry over.” and walk away.  I’d make it no big deal.  You daughter may simply need to be told where the boundary is.  After a week or two of this strategy you should see some improvement.  If not, your daughter may have developed a habit of being overly emotional.  In that case, you will have to break her habit by bringing in “The Doctor.”

Tell your daughter “Darling, your father and I have been concerned with your emotional outbursts.  We have tried to help you manage your emotions by telling you that some things aren’t worth crying over but we have failed.  So, we went to see the doctor.  He said that 4-year-olds who cry the way you do are sleep deprived.  That means you need to sleep more.  Therefore, your bedtime is now 6:30, right after dinner, weekends included.  If you stop crying at every little thing after 2 weeks, then your bedtime can be 7pm.  After 2 weeks, if you manage your emotions, then we know you are getting enough sleep and your bedtime can be moved to 7:30.  We will keep making your bedtime later, up to 8pm, as long as you are able to manage your emotions. We know that change is hard so we will give you three ‘outburst tickets’ per day.  When you have an outburst, you have to give us one of your tickets.  If you lose all three of your tickets before bedtime,  you have to go to your room immediately for the rest of the day.”

The above prescription WORKS!  I’ve seen it work over and over.  The reason it works is because of one simple principle:  We cannot make others change.  People change only because THEY want to change!  Framing the solution this way puts your daughter in control of her problem and since she is really the only one who can solve her problem, she’ll change.

A note about tickets:  The tickets allow a margin of error for your daughter as she is learning the new skill of managing her emotions without giving her carte blanche to continue the misbehavior.

Follow up:  After a week, reduce the tickets to 2 per day.  After 2 weeks, give her 5 tickets per week.  After 3 weeks, 3 tickets per week.  By the 4th week of this program, you will see a dramatic improvement in the outbursts!

I know this is a lot to swallow so feel free to e-mail me for clarification.

Good luck (and it really does work!)

Susan

Sep 12, 2012 By emotions, Parenting, Traditional Parenting Leave a Comment

Am I an Enabler?

Dear Susan,

Am I an enabler?

Here’s the background:  I’m lucky enough to call myself a SAHM.  I have two elementary aged children (2nd and 4th grades) who go to school.  In the summers we have a lot of fun and although we can’t afford fabulous trips, we have a lot of fun playing all summer long.  My husband and I have decided that I don’t need to go “back to work” and I’m enjoying volunteering, keeping house, and taking care of my kids.  But my other mom friends, some SAHMs, some with careers, think I do too much for my kids.  But I don’t want my kids doing chores or making their lunches.  I want to give them the kind of childhood I never had.  I grew up with a single mom and very little money.  I had too much responsibility and not enough fun time.  I want my kids to be able to relax and have fun!  If I’m home, why can’t I just do the work and let them relax before they grow up?

Love My Life,

Avondale Estates

Dear Love My Life,

I am sorry you did not enjoy your childhood.  But what you describe for your children may be an example of an overcorrection on your part.  And now to answer your original question:  You are a loving, well-intentioned enabler.  I hope that didn’t sting too much.

I understand that you want the best for your children.  Think about what you’re really teaching your children.  Is it better for your children to learn to be served or to learn to serve others?  Is it better for your children to learn that they have no responsibilities or to learn how to manage the responsibilities they’re given?  Is it better for your children to relax and have fun or to enjoy an authentic, healthy self-esteem for work well-done?

If you continue on your current parental path, you are in danger of creating entitled children.  What is to become of your children when you are no longer doing everything for them?  It is essential that children learn how to clean a home, manage finances, and participate in household responsibilities.  These responsibilities allow children to feel a part of their family, to experience intrinsic satisfaction and exhibit an authentic, healthy self-esteem.  And, best of all, they’ll learn how to feel grateful for what they have.

Do your children a favor and give them the gift of limits, boundaries, and responsibilities.  And, by doing so you are also giving society the gift of two responsible, grateful adults who know how to serve others.

Susan

Susan Eppley

Master Leadership Parenting Coach

ParentCoachAtlanta.com

susan@parentcoachatlanta.com

Sep 5, 2012 By Parenting Leave a Comment

Don’t Take Your Child Seriously

The job of parenting is serious business.  I, like most parents, take the job very seriously.

Alternatively, children should not be taken seriously*.  WAIT  Don’t push “reply” just yet (but definitely comment after reading!).

Consider the following scenario:

Little Timmy comes running to the preschool teacher because Freddie said his red shirt was “stupid,”  The experienced teacher wipes Timmy’s tears, smiles, and says something like “I like your red shirt, it’s very handsome on you.  You’re okay, run along and play now.”

In that example the experienced teacher understands that to Timmy, the insult was the end of the world and that in the big picture, it’s not a big deal.  She took her job seriously but not the child*.

I recommend to parents that they do the same.  Yes, take your job as parent seriously.  No, do NOT take the child seriously*!

Here’s an example of me just a few months ago taking my younger daughter too seriously (spoiler alert: the parent coach is NOT a perfect parent):

My daughter insisted that she “HAD” to have a certain costume for a summer camp. She was very serious. So, I went into planning mode.

I thought about what stores would have a Dorothy costume (I had a list of 3).  I planned a trip to the stores. I started fretting about the expense of this costume. I started getting angry at the camp for not giving notice that there would be extra costs involved. I thought about the fact there was NO mention of purchasing a costume. I started an e-mail in my mind because this camp needed to know how disorganized they were and that they can’t expect parents to pay for costumes at the last minute…Wait!  Why am I taking an 8-year-old’s word for it*?

I told my daughter that I was not going to take her to the store to buy the outfit she needed without confirmation from the teacher.  With that, I tried to put the matter out of my mind.  That afternoon at pickup, my daughter handed me a Xeroxed note.  It was to all parents from all the teachers.  It gave details of Friday’s final performance and included “Do not buy costumes for the performance.  Use what is available in your home…” When I pointed this out to my daughter, she smiled sheepishly and said “Oh.”

We all need reminders that children see things from a child’s perspective. They are childish.  They have childish ways.  I may be old(ish) but I remember when I was a kid. Every little thing was the biggest deal to me. But my mother was the adult and she knew what was a big deal and what was just my childish drama.  I felt she “didn’t understand.”  But she did.  She understood that children act like children.  She took her job as parent seriously but she did not take me seriously*.

 

*IMPORTANT:  there are times when a child tells an adult something serious. Loving, caring adults will know when a child is in danger or is telling something that needs action from an adult.  If your child tells you something or if you have a feeling your child is in danger, ACT on that!  Children do NOT make up stories about serious issues and any accusation a child makes that involves a serious matter needs to be taken seriously.  Trust your instincts!  Leadership Parenting is loving authority for the best interest of your children.

 

Susan Eppley, Master Leadership Parenting Coach

www.ParentCoachAtlanta.com

susan@ParentCoachAtlanta.com

Aug 22, 2012 By Parenting, Traditional Parenting Leave a Comment

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